A young researcher is shocked by her twin sister’s sexual preferences. This is about how she overcomes her hidden prejudices to save the one relationship that matters to her.

Catherine and I are identical twins but we have always been an unlikely pair. She was a sports enthusiast, me a book worm. She loved stilettos and I, sneakers. She loved food while I nibbled distractedly. Catherine craved for chocolates and sweets but she rarely got them, because in our house, daughters were not indulged. When we were eight, I stole money from our father’s wallet to buy her candies. She was born five minutes after me, so even though we were twins, I came to be the ‘elder sister’. When we were nine, our elder brother sexually abused Catherine. My mother blamed her. I was furious, and I desperately wanted to protect her from all unhappiness.

Catherine was equally protective about me. In high school, she punched a guy on the face when he gave me a flower!

Over time, both of us grew distant from our family. But we were inseparable.

One day, Catherine told me that she was in love with a boy. She was always averse to men. So, this came as a pleasant surprise. But our family was dead against it. She is not “independent enough” to choose a partner for herself, they said. I wanted her to fight for her relationship, but I was disappointed when she gave it up. She said that she was not yet ready. I stood by her.

Two years into her career, she went to Europe. I was doing pretty well, too, at work. We kept each other updated on our lives. After a year, she came to India on vacation. I was excited because that was the longest that we hadn’t seen each other. As we were settling down for long conversations over coffee, she was texting someone vigorously. Our chat was interrupted by frequent phone calls. I ignored this initially but then asked her who the person on the other end was. She said, matter-of-factly, “I’m in love with a woman.” I was dumbstruck. Catherine calmly added that she was going to marry her!

It seemed unreal. I told her that she was doing this on rebound and asked her how she could decide to marry a woman. I was never homophobic – that is, I never hated gays. But this was my sister. How could she be a lesbian? She was dating a guy, was she not? There were so many questions.

I kept arguing with her and told her to rethink this. I told her that this “feeling” will go away. I tried to convince her. She did not budge. This was not the Catherine who gave up her boyfriend at the first sign of resistance. She insisted that I meet her partner and that it will change my mind.

A week passed and we did not discuss it further. I tried to ignore my worries. Then, I gave Catherine an ultimatum - choose her partner or me. If she chose her, she would never hear from me. But nothing changed. She texted me several times after she returned to Europe about the usual things. I could not keep her out of my life.

I tried passive aggression – I would reply to her queries but expressed no interest in her life. I was angry that she did not seem to care. Do I have no say in her life? Do I have no place in it? I always wanted her to have a ‘normal, supportive family’, what was denied to us as children.

During this, I was also living through an unhappy relationship. There were constant fights and disagreements with my boyfriend, who also thought my sister was ‘weird’. My avenues for support were drying up. Weekends were becoming a headache. I resorted to comfort eating and splurging on things like crockery that I never would use and clothes that I never would wear. The more I ignored my sister’s new relationship, the lonelier I grew. I decided to keep myself engaged. Two years earlier, I had spent every weekend with underprivileged children. I decided to resume it.

I loved being with them – when they ran to me, smiling and happy. I read them stories, taught them songs and showed them how to paint. In many ways, I was to them what I was to my sister. There were moments of self-reflection - What if these children later identified as gays or lesbians? Will I stop being supportive? Will I not accept them because they are different? I was learning.

While browsing the net, if I chanced upon an article on homosexuality, I would pause and read. Slowly, barriers inside my head were giving way.

I also noticed that Catherine had changed as a person. She was travelling a lot and reading (even subjects that she normally would not). She would recommend books to me. By now, I had begun to make hesitant enquiries about her partner Nandini and their future plans. My sister sounded enthusiastic; she wanted to do her MBA in the US, where Nandini lived. When Catherine moved to India to prepare for higher studies, I noticed that she had transformed. She was ambitious now and more optimistic. She was calmer.

A few months later, the three of us – Nandini, Catherine and I – went out for dinner. I did feel awkward when they hugged each other in the restaurant, when her partner gently caressed her back and when my sister told me that Nandini bought her sexy lingerie. For a moment, I wished Nandini were a guy. Then that moment passed. I had never seen my little sister so happy. I was inspired. I decided to go back to my love – painting, which I had stopped because of a busy work schedule. Now I decided to make time for it. During my troubled days, I had a lot of black, grey and white on my canvas. Now I use a lot of colours. The one I am drawing now is a coffee mug by the side of window opened to a sunny morning.

But this was my sister. How could she be a lesbian? She was dating a guy, was she not? There were so many questions.

As told to uma sree devi