An office flirtation leads to an emotional crisis for a young woman in her late twenties. She finds her answers after confronting chronic depression and her past trauma.

One sultry afternoon in May, I was watching Vicky Christina Barcelona. When the passionate love making scene of Scarlett Johansson and Javier Bardem was on, I could not resist fantasising about my very handsome colleague. We were intensely attracted to each other and had told each other as much. But, he was not ready for a committed relationship and I did not want a fling. Therefore, we had agreed to keep away from each other. But that afternoon, we ended up texting each other. One thing led to another and we were soon ‘sexting’! I was happy. I went for a walk later in the evening, feeling carefree and light!

However, the next day, at office, there was an awkward silence between us. I did not know what he felt about the previous afternoon. As the day progressed, I could feel myself sinking. I thought he would say something, but he was unusually quiet. No jokes. No eye contact. I texted him that I was terribly hurt, though, logically, I knew that there was nothing wrong with his reaction. He texted back saying he was confused. I replied that we should stop talking about anything off-work, once and for all.

While heading back home after work, I felt like I was falling through a bottomless pit. My chest was aching but I was not able to figure out why. I felt absolutely worthless. The memories of my first relationship came rushing back — my ex-boyfriend was not willing to give anything more than sex. Despite my best efforts, I thought I had fallen into the same pattern — of settling for less — again. I hit the bed, feeling crushed and helpless. I wept. My phone vibrated. It was a message from my colleague, “I apologise unconditionally for any pain I have caused you.” I was not angry with him and I replied that I was okay. However that night and the next two, I lay wide awake. Things went on as usual at work. I had made peace with this incident but this repetition of my past triggered off a painful thought — that I was lost, that while everyone moved steadily ahead, I was caught in a loop.

few days later, I complained to my friend over dinner about how unsuccessful I was in all fronts — career, relationships. I bitched about my unfair boss, my lack of interest in work and how hopeless and dead I felt. My friend listened for a while and then insisted that I see a shrink. I was a bit taken aback but she said that I have been awfully negative of late. My head was muddled with many thoughts and a hundred questions, but I knew that something was going wrong with me and that my friend could be right. The next day I called up the doctor’s clinic to fix an appointment.

After an hour-long session, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with chronic depression. He said it probably originated when my first relationship ended. Or perhaps some event in my childhood triggered it. Then he said something that turned my life around. It was simple really, what he said.

My head was muddled with many thoughts and a hundred different questions, but I knew that something was going wrong with me and that my friend could be right

“What is important is that you develop a new perspective,” said the doctor. “Things may go awfully wrong in life but your thoughts have the ability to create a negative emotional response. For instance, you can have sex with this colleague you are attracted to but if you do not want to feel worthless later, it is entirely in your hands.” This came as a revelation to me. I am in charge of my emotions and they are completely under my control.

He referred me to a clinical psychologist for Cogntive Behavior Therapy (CBT) (as I developed allergy for the antidepressant he put me on). The therapy has been of immense relief. As per CBT, the negative thoughts of a depressed mind are classified into 10 different cognitive distortions. Writing down your negative thoughts, identifying them with a specific cognitive distortion and then replacing them with positive and rational alternatives have worked wonders for me. It has changed the way I look at things and today I feel a lot more positive about life than I did before.

A month later, I had the most wonderful sex with the colleague (this time it was not through text messaging). We have a relationship that people would term as ‘fuck buddies’. ‘Fuck’ is perhaps too abrasive a word for the bond that we share. The relationship is not limited to physical pleasure, devoid of emotion. We have our sessions of pillow talk, tearful hugging and non-sexual kisses (which is the most challenging part).

Today I know I can navigate through this relationship. I can handle this like I can handle any emotional challenge that life throws my way.